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Laugh Well

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  By the way, do you want a bed near the window?"

 

"Life without laugh is like a garden without flowers."

Mohammed Sadique

 

 

You are seeing what you believe; another way, you cannot believe what you see.  Is there a green ball rotating around?  Concentrate on the black "+" mark at the center.  Where those rose balls have gone?  From where that green ball came?  Our eyes deceive us!!?

 

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                                 The Best Business

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10/-

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs. 10/- and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs. 20/- This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs. 25/- and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs. 50/-

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
……and Welcome to the 'Stock' Market!!!!!

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Some real funny facts you should know:

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.


111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.

Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

And finally.... 99% of people who read this would have tried to lick their elbow within this time. Sorry for making you lick your elbow!

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Why Keralites?

A group of Tourist from Kerala and another group from rest of the part of the South India were taking a train to Delhi.

Only one of the Keralites had ticket, but each of the other group had. The other group were snickering about this when one of the Keralite returned to the compartment and shouted, "Ticket Examiner is coming!"

All of the Keralite hurried back and crammed into a restroom, and when the examiner came by, he knocked on the door and asked, "Ticket please."

The Keralite with the ticket passed it under the door, and the examiner signed it and returned it.  After the Examiner left, all the Keralites came piling out, and the other group sat there in amazement.

On the return trip the The other group decided to do the same trick, so they purchased only one ticket amongst them.But this time, none of the Keralites had a ticket. The other group were snickering again, when a Keralite ran in the compartment and said "Examiner is coming."

All of the other group members piled into one restroom and Keralites into another.  The last Keralite waited for a moment and knocked the restroom of other group and asked,”Ticket, please." The Keralite then took the ticket and joined the rest of his companions in restroom.

 

Teaching

My nephew comes home from his first day at school.
My sister asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

 

Is earth round?

Teacher: Kukku, how can you prove the earth is round?
Kukku: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

 

Idiots in the class room

"If there are any idiots in the class room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshboy rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself as an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well teacher, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see only you standing up there all by yourself."

 

Stupid Principal

"Isn't the principal a stupid!" said the boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" He sighed!

 

A Second Openion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

 

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How Babies are born!

When I was working in hospital, I used to take my 4-year-old nephew to the hospital on Sundays.  One day I took him to the neonatal department.  At the nursery, he stopped to look at a premature baby in an incubator.

 

Since he had been brought up the old-fashioned way, we were surprised when, a few days later, he said:

"Uncle, it's not the ghost that brings babies.  We make them ourselves."

 

Everybody was stunned by the 4-year-old boy's words.

 

"Who told you that?"

 

"No one," he replied.  "I saw one being made in the machine at the hospital!"

 

 

Impression

Car sales man to the customer: "It is a small car, I agree.  But the payments will give you that big car feeling."

 

 

Enemies

During our monthly meeting at Iridium, one of our successful but pompous MT Mr. Rohit rose to make an after-snack speech.  "We MT's," he began, "have many enemies in this institute itself."

As he paused, the girl on his left side said in a stage whisper, "Oh, but far more in the next!"

 

 

Consideration

A friend of mine was driving along a narrow dusty road in the Hatta Mountains.  It was a long way to the paved highway, and ahead was another truck producing clouds of choking dust.  Suddenly, the car in front pulled off the road.  My friend stopped and asked if anything was wrong.

 

"No," said the truck driver, but you've endured my dust this far, I'll put up with yours the rest of the way."

 

 

Playback

Minister to the TV cameraman: "Can we play that interview back so I can see if I misquoted myself?"

The important issue!

The renowned newspaper in our state once ran a photograph of Musharraf, the President of Pakistan, talking to Indian Prime Minister Bajpayee in Taj hotel at Delhi.  The Pak president was shown striking his palm with a clenched fist to emphasize some point.

 

The caption of photograph read: "Is it peace or war?"

 

When Bajpayee's personal secretary showed him the newspaper, he examined it for a few moments before asking the secretary if he would like to know what was being discussed.  The secretary was very eager to know. 

 

PM Said: "President Musharraf wanted to know the technique of Indian favorite snack Banana roast and putting Banana inside the banana roast!"

 

Innocent

Our college football team was invited into the local League to play against our rival college in same city.  The game was remarkably free of fouls until one of our defender blatantly fouled an opposite player.  The referee blew his whistle and called foul.  Back in the dressing everybody was blaming our defender.

 

He protested: "What do you mean?  I didn’t do anything.  I am innocent."

 

"Yeah, sure!" Shouted all team members unanimously.  "That is what we were all saying; you tell us why you did not!!"

 

 

way to success

In a 1995 college convocation speech, Sonia Gandhi listed her four rules for success.

 

"If you want a career, get a job; if you want to succeed, work harder; if you want to change something, do something….. do something different; and occasionally, listen to your mother."

 

 

Freedom

Her father has always given her good advice.  She will never forget what he told her on her 17th birthday.  "Go everywhere, See everything, and do everything you like".  And then he taught her how to say "No" in 17 languages.

 

Good Morning

After a long struggle to wake up one dull Monday morning, my friend Anuraj eventually got up and peered out of the window.  "How does the day look?"  I asked.

 

"I think it has its back to us!" My friend replied.

 

Advice for Free

1. Before you buy an old house with the intention of repairing it, remember that it once belonged to someone who despaired of repairing it.

 

2.  Before getting married, I always advice young lovers to have seen each other with at least one bad cold.

 

3.  Before planning to jump the gate, just check the gate whether it is opened or not.

 

4.  A habit is like old-fashioned adhesive tape – easy to stick on, but the longer it stays the harder it is to get off, until finally, when it's ripped off; it takes skin and all with it.  So, keep away from bad habits

 

  1. The really terrible thing about life is not that our dreams are unrealized, but that they come true.

  

 

Punishment

My nephew's performance was very dull at primary class. I told him: "Such miserable marks are worth a sound thrashing!"

 

Nephew answered: "Good uncle, I know where the teacher lives!"

 

 

Conviction

Our state sports minister recalled his first speech to the inmates of central prison of Kerala during Independence Day.

 

He had given a lot of thought on how he should open.  He could not say very well "Welcome" or even "I'm so glad you've come."  When the moment came, he stood up and, to his terror, he heard himself saying "I'm so glad to see that all of you are present here to celebrate our Independence Day!"

 

Out of the Way

When I was working in Wellington Island, Cochin, A tourist's car was having trouble finding his way off WI to get back to city.  Finally he stopped at my landlord.

 

"Do you live here?"  Car driver asked. 

 

My landlord cautiously said he did and then tried to tell the tourist how to find the road back to the bridge and the highway.

 

"But I didn’t cross any bridge," the tourist kept protesting.

 

Finally, our landlord drawled, "Well now, if you didn’t come across any bridge, then you are not in Wellington Island and you got nothing to worry about."

 

 

Choice

When the boundary between Kerala and Tamil Nadu was redrawn, it was discovered that the proposed line ran right through one farmer's land.  The farmer was offered the option of being in Kerala or TN.

 

After giving the matter deep thought, he advised the boundary commissioners that he wish to be in Kerala – a decision which incensed the TNs, who explained all the advantages of living in the T Nadu.

 

He replied, "I agree with you, and it has been my greatest desire to live TN.  However, at my age I don’t think I would be able to survive the TN summers, I prefer rather Kerala Monsoons!"

 

Later Kerala dejected this farmer's wish, as they don’t want a man with such brain!!!

 

 

Taxi driver's revenge!

My friend and I planned to watch Bruce Willie's 'Sixth Sense'.  We were very late for first show, so we planned to call a taxi to the cinema.  When we paid the fare, the taxi driver was scratching his back head for tips.  As we were rushing to the ticket counter, the taxi driver was ignored.  The taxi driver began to follow us, we didn’t mind.

 

Suddenly, he shouted angrily, " In this film Bruce Willies dies very early.  He doesn’t know he is a ghost.  Actually he is also a ghost throughout the film."

 

"Now you don’t have to go to the movie", said the one who are coming out of the cinema.  "We were all sitting inside for 2 hours to watch this end."

 

 

Finding a Car

At a large fair, my family and I met an elderly woman who was upset because she couldn’t find her car.  We offered to look for it.  The women identified the car as blue, with a dent in the driver's side, and gave part of the plate number.

 

After a lengthy search, my brother returned and told her that they had found a car answering that description, but it had a five-meter canoe on its top.  "Oh my!" the woman exclaimed.  "I forgot about that!!"

 

 

 

 

Why Laughter - Still the Best Medicine?

Scientists have found that laughter is a form of internal jogging that exercises the body and stimulates the release of beneficial brain neurotransmitters and hormones. Positive outlook and laughter is actually good for our health!

 

Adults laugh approximately 15 times per day, while children laugh about 400 times a day!

 

When we grew up, somehow we lost a few hundred laughs a day. By learning to smile and laugh again, more easily and often, we could have a profound and positive effect on our health and well-being.

 

The new science of psychoneuroimmunology is the study of how our state of mind affects our health. More than ever, scientific evidence suggests that laughter really is one of the best medicines.

 

 

Laughter Studies!

At California's Loma Linda University Medical Center, Lee Berk, assistant research professor, and Stanley Tan, Endocrinologist, and their colleagues, are in the lead in understanding the physiology of merriment. We now know that there are two types of stress: good stress and bad stress. Laughter is a form of good stress, or stress in reverse.

 

Research on stress has shown that bad stress suppresses your immune system. Drs. Tan and Berk wanted to find out if a form of good stress, or laughter, would improve the immune system.

 

They studied groups of average adults and found that both arms of the immune system got a boost out of laughter. Subjects faced a solid hour of induced merriment from videos of comedians, while a control group sat quietly out of earshot. These doctors took blood samples at 10 minute intervals before, during and after the laughter workout.

 

They found that humor and exercise trigger similar physiological processes. Like conditioned athletes, the laughter group showed increases in the good hormones --such as endorphins and neurotransmitters -- and decreased levels of the stress hormones -- cortisol and adrenaline. Laughter is one of the body's safety valves, a counter balance to tension. When we release that tension, the elevated levels of the body's stress hormones drop back to normal, thereby allowing our immune systems to work more effectively.

 

Cells which produce anti-bodies increase in number, T-cells which combat viruses are activated and ready for battle. Our natural killer cells increase in number and activity. All this occurs as a direct result of laughter!

 

Dr. Tan states it all quite eloquently: "All these neuro-hormones act like an orchestra, each instrument makes a particular note. Laughter makes the entire orchestra more melodious or balanced. In other words, laughter brings a balance to all the components of the immune system."

 

In some clinics, scattered here and there throughout the world, laughter is beginning to take the place of anti-depressant drugs and reduces the need for painkillers.

 

On an interesting note: Faking laughter will also cause the body to respond as though the laughter is real. The physiological changes we discussed that occur with real laughter will also take effect even when we just pretend to laugh.

 

Psychiatrist Robert Holden, who runs laughter clinics for England's National Health Service, says, "Smiling and laughing produce happy chemicals called endorphins which work in the brain to give an overall feeling of well-being."

 

Being unhappy or very sad can seriously damage your health. So don't worry, be happy!

 

There is truth in the old saying: He Who Laughs ...Lasts!

 

Why we should Laugh?

Can a laugh every day keep the heart attack away? Maybe so.  Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.

"The old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine,' definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and associate professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. "We don't know yet why laughing protects the heart, but we know that mental stress is associated with impairment of the endothelium, the protective barrier lining our blood vessels. This can cause a series of inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol build-up in the coronary arteries and ultimately to a heart attack."

In the study, researchers compared the humor responses of 300 people. Half of the participants had either suffered a heart attack or undergone coronary artery bypass surgery. The other 150 did not have heart disease. One questionnaire had a series of multiple-choice answers to find out how much or how little people laughed in certain situations, and the second one used true or false answers to measure anger and hostility.

Miller said that the most significant study finding was that "people with heart disease responded less humorously to everyday life situations." They generally laughed less, even in positive situations, and they displayed more anger and hostility.

"The ability to laugh -- either naturally or as learned behavior -- may have important implications in societies such as the U.S. where heart disease remains the number one killer," says Miller. "We know that exercising, not smoking and eating foods low in saturated fat will reduce the risk of heart disease. Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list."

Miller says it may be possible to incorporate laughter into our daily activities, just as we do with other heart-healthy activities, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator. "We could perhaps read something humorous or watch a funny video and try to find ways to take ourselves less seriously," Miller says. "The recommendation for a healthy heart may one day be exercise, eat right and laugh a few times a day."

In addition to helping your heart, laughter offers other important health benefits. "People become healthier from laughter," observes Judy Goldblum-Carlton, a humor therapist at the University of Maryland Hospital for Children's Division of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology. "It improves circulation. When you laugh heartily, every organ is being massaged including your heart, lungs and digestive system. Headaches can just go away. When you laugh the endorphins released make you feel this elation. It makes those big decisions seem so much less important."

Humor Yourself

So how can you make yourself laugh, even when you're angry or tense? And how can you find ways to improve your sense of humor and add more laughter into your life? Goldblum-Carlton offers the following creative ways to incorporate humor into your everyday routine:

  • Figure out what tickles your funny bone. "You have to figure out what makes you laugh," says Goldblum-Carlton. Some people like slapstick while others prefer a more intellectual type of humor. "Once you isolate what makes you laugh and what turns your knobs, then you can go out and look for these things."
  • Rent a funny movie. Goldblum-Carlton suggests videos, like "America's Funniest Home Videos" and others that appeal to a mass audience -- Bill Cosby, Jeff Foxworthy, etc. "Watch videos that have something for everyone."
  • Add comedy to your commute. Listen to a funny audiotape when driving to relieve road stress and if possible, turn the cell phone off when you're in the car. "The car is a great place to listen to funny stuff because that's where a lot of your tension is," says Goldblum-Carlton.

  • Start a humor library. Clip funny cartoons, collect calendars, mugs, pictures, funny greeting cards, books, or anything else that makes you laugh. Collect some humorous audio and videotapes. Post those cartoons and calendars on your wall, so you can look at them often for a good laugh.
  • Laugh with others. People laugh much more often when in groups, says Goldblum-Carlton. So watch a funny movie with some friends and share the laughter. "People laugh more with other people. It gives you permission to laugh."
  • Find humor in seemingly ordinary, everyday things. Anything from funny road signs to a walking crow to a feeding squirrel can inspire a laugh. "Watching a crow walk is hysterical, and squirrels are natural comedians," observes Goldblum-Carlton. "There is so much funny stuff around you really just have to open your eyes."
  • Learn the basics of humor. Improve your sense of humor by taking a class. Often, community colleges and elder hostels offer classes on how to tell jokes and improve your sense of humor.
  • Remember a funny moment. "Start thinking about something funny that happened when you're feeling tense," suggests Goldblum-Carlton. This will ease the tension and help you forget your troubles, at least temporarily.
  • Laugh at yourself. Tell a funny or embarrassing story about yourself. After all, as Goldblum-Carlton says, "even the most embarrassing situation years from now will be a funny story."
  • Make fun of your fears. "When you make fun of what frightens you, you get a mastery over it and gain control," notes Goldblum-Carlton.
  • Act silly. "Let yourself act silly and share it. Get a pair of silly head glasses and put them on," suggests Goldblum-Carlton. "Laughter is contagious. When you're happy and you're laughing it rubs off on people. Everyone can have a sense of humor."
  • Learn to play. Play with your kids or your pets. Teach Fido or Fluffy some stupid pet tricks. Games are also funny -- Scattegories, Charades, Password -- all of which can bring a laugh.
  • Visit the zoo and watch the animals, especially the monkeys. "The number one thing that makes people laugh are monkeys. Monkeys are a riot, [and] zoos are great," Goldblum-Carlton says.
  • Lighten up! You take your life's work seriously, but take yourself a little more lightly. As Goldblum-Carlton puts it: "When you throw your head back and laugh, you're not thinking of anything else. Laughter is the best thing you can do for your health."

Finally, just appreciate the importance of laughter. "The most powerful thing we're given is our ability to laugh," Goldblum-Carlton says. "It's our greatest gift, especially if we can laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves so seriously."

Experience

Sales Trick!

I had a boss once who tried to selling his house for months with no luck. He ran a new ad in the paper with the words "drastic price change" and raised the price INR 150,000.  He sold it a few days later. True story!

 

 

“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." Mark Twain

 

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

  

"When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes." Erasmus

  

People who instead of talking to the person with the disability will talk to the person with them; for example,” what would he like to eat". People apparently don't realize that they can talk to a blind person like they would anyone else. If someone talks that way you should deduct about twelve points of their IQ.

 

Some people get mad when you correct their grammar. Hey if you don't want your grammar corrected just speak proper English, it's that simple.

 

People who when they are about to lose an argument will change the subject and bring up something completely irrelevant that has nothing to do with the topic.

When I'm eating a hamburger or few pieces of KFC those people who will tell me how unhealthy it is. Trust me, I am well aware of how unhealthy it is but I don't care, I'm eating it anyway. If I want your input I'll ask for it.

 

When someone tells me to be careful it is rainy out on days when it is raining. I'm thirty-five. I think I know by now that if it is raining, it probably is going to be rainy.

 

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." – Galileo

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